RUSH TRANSCRIPT:
COLBERT: "There's also slightly less important news than that. Just a little bit less. It's a top-secret N.S.A. report that detailed Russian hacking efforts days before the 2016 election. Days before? Come on, Guccifer. That's poor planning. You can't leave your hacking to last minute. Put some thought into it. No one wants an election you just picked up at Walgreens. Apparently, Russian hackers tried to gain access to a company called V.R. Systems by sending workers there phony emails that appeared to be from Google that would request their login credentials. Okay, here's a little tip: If it looks like Google but isn't really, it's either a hacker or Bing. Don't open either. Just stay away from both of them after-- I don't know. I don't even know. That's how bad Bing is. I don't even know if that joke works. After the hackers gained access to the company's accounts, they then sent "An email to trick local U.S. government employees into opening documents that were "Invisibly tainted with potent malware." Okay, they sent it to the poll workers, okay. This is how democracy ends, with a fake email sent to the ancient cat lady manning the polling station at your high school gym. "Okay, let's check my AOL. Okay, here's something: 'Forward, forward, forward, forward, anti-aging cream with scent of grandson. Oh, click." There you go. So no one really knows who won November 8 now, other than Vladimir Putin. Now, I'm a little rusty on my constitution, but I guess this means new election? Why not? Sure, let's have another one. Let's just get the band back together. Somebody find Jeb and wake him up! I don't know where he is. Check the mild salsa aisle."