EXCERPT:
SCHNEIDER: "President’s Day. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, kept the Union together, gets a day. Not even his own day. He's gotta share it with Washington. He doesn't get a day either! He founded the whole f**king country! He doesn’t get a day. He's gotta share it with Lincoln. But if they would have sucked each other’s d*cks, they would have got a whole month.”