EXCERPT:
COLBERT: “You know, first car I ever owned was a 1978 powder blue Pinto. I bought it from my brother Billy for a dollar and I got ripped off. But what she lacked in acceleration, she made up for in rattle. It clearly had some problems, but I didn’t have any money to fix it, and I didn’t know anything about cars. So what I would do is I would drive it over a shallow drainage ditch across the street from me, and I’d keep it running, and I'd pull the handbrake really hard and I'd shimmy under it with a hammer, a pair of pliers, and a screwdriver. I would touch the hammer to various things under the car, and if by touching them, the rattling stopped, I would use the other tools to remove that thing from the car. After a while, I had a beautiful collection of rusty hunks of metal on the wall of my garage. I had no idea what they did, but the car was still running. Until one day, I removed one too many mystery parts, and then it died. So I left it on the street, where it was eventually towed away to an area of Chicago you don’t want to know about called 'Lower Wacker Drive.' Now, I’m not saying the American government doesn’t have problems. It clearly does. What I’m saying is, if we just let Trump start firing people and cutting programs without knowing who any of them are or what any of them do, sooner or later, America’s gonna get 'Lower Wacker-ed.'”