If you ever need a reminder that the media's version of reality often exists in a parallel universe, look no further than their coverage of the Los Angeles riots. While storefronts were looted, streets ablaze, and chaos reigned throughout the city, America's news anchors and pundits assured us that what we were seeing wasn’t real — or at the very least, not nearly as bad as our lying eyes suggested.
In our latest supercut, we compile the most head-scratching, reality-defying, and Orwellian moments from the press corps as they worked overtime to convince audiences that everything was totally normal — or better yet, entirely peaceful.
Here are a few of the “highlights”:
1. “That was a real riot…” — Dana Bash (CNN)
Apparently, 1992 was the only riot that ever counted. Carrying a flag? Not illegal. Setting fires, throwing bottles, attacking police? Just expressive choreography. Bash distinguished the past from the present by implying that today’s unrest simply didn’t meet the bar. Why? Because it’s 2024 — and the narrative must be preserved.
2. "The agents are the problem.” — Rep. Joaquin Castro
In a twist straight from the Upside Down, Castro blamed federal agents for “provoking” protests and staging fake aggression. The protesters? Merely victims of an elaborate cosplay conspiracy involving badges and body armor.
3. “He just doesn’t like the scenes.” — Rep. Nanette Barragán
Apparently, sending the National Guard to quell violence isn’t about public safety — it’s about Trump’s personal aesthetic preferences. The implication? If he could just tolerate a few more Molotov cocktails, maybe we could all get back to brunch.
4. “Most people are having a normal day.” — Brian Stelter
If your “normal day” includes plywood-covered windows, sirens, and mobs torching vehicles, then yes — totally normal. Stelter’s assertion that unrest was “isolated” was less reporting, more live-action gaslighting.
5. “That’s not what’s happening.” — Jacob Soboroff
Soboroff did his best Baghdad Bob impression, denying “riots” were occurring even as aerial footage contradicted him in real-time. The takeaway: Believe the correspondent on the ground, not the flames behind him.
6. “Not a riot.” — John Heilemann
With the certainty of a man who hasn’t watched the news he’s on, Heilemann confidently claimed “there wasn’t anything like a riot.” Perhaps the smoke clouds made it hard to see the facts.
7. “Thanks for your service!” — An Anonymous Reporter
In a rare moment of truth, a national guardsman is seen being thanked by protesters — but don’t worry, media quickly moved on, lest the optics disrupt the “brutal crackdown” narrative.
8. “LAPD had this under control.” — Jonathan Miller
That “control” evidently included impromptu bonfires and police retreating from overwhelmed intersections. But let’s not nitpick.
9. “Things are calm.” — Karen Bass
Yes, calm — aside from the part where she admits protests got “a little unruly.” In the same way a Category 4 hurricane is just “a little windy.”
10. “No violence.” — Maxine Waters
Waters declared there had been “no violence” and “nothing.” She must have been watching the protest through a kaleidoscope.
11. “Just having fun watching cars burn.” — Jerry Brown
Sometimes the mask slips. Brown at least acknowledged the fires but reframed them as an urban bonfire party. Who doesn’t love some recreational arson?
12. “Very peaceful.” — Powell
Because nothing says “peaceful demonstration” like screaming mobs and smoldering debris. Honking horns? Sure. That’s definitely the defining noise of a civic kumbaya.
Bottom Line?
The media’s attempts to sanitize, excuse, or flat-out deny the chaos only serve to erode public trust further. As cities burn, credibility melts right alongside them.
Watch the supercut — and remember: In modern journalism, narrative is king, facts are optional, and reality is whatever they say it is.